2nd Saturday of every month. The topic; texts, emails and other written communication.
PAA & NVC needs and feelings weekly practice group level 1. 2nd Saturday of every month. Topic; texts, emails and other written communication.
Welcome to the PAA (parental alienation anonymous) and the NVC (non-violent communication), needs, feelings & requests practice group.
Facilitator qualifies (PAA)
My name is ……… , I am an alienated ………, and I have ..….kids and ……grandkids. I have …….contact with each child. and I am the lead facilitator for this meeting. …….. will be facilitating as well. Please have 2nd facilitator qualify.
We start every meeting with the serenity prayer. Please replace God with higher power or anything else that resonates with you, if wanted. Unmute and chant along if that feels appropriate.
Leader, please post this in the chat.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
PAA (Parental alienation anonymous) is a 12-step program, for people struggling with parental alienation and estrangement. This 12-step program differs from others in that it has seven foundational trainings & practices to support emotional and spiritual growth and development. This is a practice group run by peers and not therapy. Please sign up for meetings (please post link to…meeting schedule)& foundational trainings & practices at pa-a.org, if you haven’t done so yet. NVC is the 1st foundational practice.
NVC is a system of communication that is an incredible useful added dimension to the the 12-steps of PA-A. Relating the steps to our NVC practice will take time and patience.
NVC is a bridge to our higher power. If we practice this method, we get to have more meaningful and mutual relationships.
NVC (nonviolent communication) is an empathy-based form of communication. If practiced consistently it can be transformational in every relationship in our lives, starting with our relationship to ourselves. We are not conditioned to be good listeners. Generally, we are more interested in what we have to say, fixing or saving someone else and in protecting our ideas and constructs. This inhibits us from really hearing ourselves and others. NVC gives us a framework to transform how we communicate and engage with every person in our lives.
There are 4 stages to working with and understanding NVC.
1-Observations, identifying what is going to by watching and listening.
2- Feelings, identifying our actual feelings.
3-Needs, There is always a need driving our feelings.
4-Requests. Is there something we would like to ask to meet our needs.
We gather to practice identifying and sharing our & others feelings, needs and subsequent requests. We will all be working from the same feelings and needs lists. If you don’t have the most current version, we can text or email them to you now. Does anyone need the list? It would be useful to have a pen and paper to take some notes during the feelings and needs process.
We will go around the group and qualify. Qualifying is useful in getting to know each other. In order to qualify please follow these guidelines. ****leader please paste qualifying guidelines in the chat****
- -say your name,
- -how you are alienated (parent, grandparent etc).
- -how many kids or grandkids or relatives you have.
- -what kind of contact you have. (no contact, partial contact, full contact)
- -from the feelings list, please pick up to 3 feelings that are alive in you at this moment.
I will qualify first and then we will go around the group so each of us gets an opportunity to qualify. Please limit your qualifying to the guidelines, there will be plenty of time for sharing later.
We will now begin the NVC part of this meeting with an example. THE FOCUS FOR THE 2nd SATURDAY OF EVERY MONTH meeting WILL BE EMAILS, TEXTS AND OTHER WRITTEN COMMUNICATION.
Do you have a text, email or other written communication that you have responded to in the past? Are you curious how it would SOUND in the framework of NVC?
If you don’t have anything from the past, do you have something that is current that you would like to work with?
This communication can be near TO your core. Your kids, ex-partner, parents or other family. When starting your practice it is suggested to use examples form less intense interactions like work, school or any other place you connect to people. Eventually working up to your more intense intimate relationships. This is an opportunity to explore others people’s and your own feelings & needs in the context of written communication.
We can take the time with written communication to develop the appropriate NVC response & requests. Embrace this place of discernment with spaciousness and curiosity. There is no perfect response.
Please pick something short and simple to begin practicing with.
LEAD FACILITATOR WILL PROVIDE AN EXAMPLE or ask someone to offer an example TO WORK WITH. PLEASE POST YOUR EXAMPLE IN THE CHAT
This is the process we will be working with to respond to texts, emails and other written communication.
RESPONSE GUIDELINES
- What is the person feeling?
- What are they needing?
- CAN YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEIR EXPERIENCE WAS REAL AND FELT FOR THEM?
- HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND TO Their feelings and needs?
- How would you respond to their request?
- What are your feelings and needs?
- DO you have a request?
- What is this person feeling? Take popcorn suggestions from the group. Write down the popcorn feelings or have a volunteer write them down.
- Read the popcorn feelings to the group.
- What is this person needing? Take popcorn suggestions from the group. Write down the popcorn needs or have a volunteer write them down.
- Read the popcorn needs to the group.
- Send everyone to a random 15-minute breakout room (3-4 people max) to discuss an appropriate response to this communication. Each breakout room will have 1 person share that rooms response with the group. Please ask them to be ready to post this response in the chat.
- (prompt everyone before they go to breakout rooms)Note to participants each person gets 2 minutes to share their ideas and you will have 5 minutes or the balance of the time to come up with a response.
LEAD FACILITATOR WILL PROVIDE A COPY OF A RESPONSE AND DISCUSS IT. QUESTIONS ARE FOR DISCUSSION BELOW IF APPROPRIATE.
- What do you like about the response?
- What would you change?
- Is there anything missing?
We will now open the practice up for volunteers.
Can I have a volunteer to provide a communication to work with. We will be discussing this on a group level and working through the process of responding. Please check in and make sure you are comfortable with this before you volunteer.
These are the suggestions for sharing.
****leader please paste qualifying guidelines in the chat****
- Share your text or email in the chat.
- Please share briefly about the situation. Roughly 40 words, or four sentences. The reason for this is to keep us all focused on our needs and feelings and not get distracted by our stories.
- Name the feelings the writer is experiencing, and what needs are or are not being met. Please take your time exploring the lists for words that jump out at you. It may be several levels of feelings and needs.
- After all their feelings and needs are compiled, it will be time for you to look at your feelings, needs & make a request.
YOU CAN SEND EVERYONE INTO BREAKOUT GROUPS TO FOLLOW THESE GUIDELINES OR KEEP THEM IN 1 BIG GROUP FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS
Can I have a volunteer to provide a communication to work with. We will be discussing this on a group level and working through the process of responding. Please check in and make sure you are comfortable with this before you volunteer.
Please look at the feelings List. Pick some feelings that relate to how the person who wrote the communication was feeling and what their needs might have been.
RESPONSE GUIDELINES
- What is the person feeling?
- What are they needing?
- CAN YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEIR EXPERIENCE WAS REAL AND FELT FOR THEM?
- HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND TO Their feelings and needs?
- What are your feelings and needs?
- DO you have a request?
The facilitator will help guide you through working with your communication.
It’s useful to know that all feelings and needs are universal.
We will now begin. Who has something they would like to share about?
(option#1 if desired to add as an additional layer) This is the facilitators four steps process. I will put it in in the chat to support anyone’s desire to try leading. (I’m thinking this would be great for a breakout room)
- As the facilitator, write down the feelings and needs you hear shared by the next volunteer, rather than the story.
- Compassionately reflect the feelings and needs you heard the speaker say.
- Ask “Is there anything else or is there more you would like to say?”
- When there is nothing else, ask, “Would you like to make a request?”
That is all the time we have for the practice group today; we will now begin the closing.
Please describe in three words how you are feeling in this moment. I will go first.
We will now have a moment of silence for any people out there who are suffering with any form of parental alienation.
We end every meeting with the serenity prayer. Please replace God with higher power or anything else that resonates with you, if you want. Unmute and chant along if that feels appropriate.
Leader, please post this in the chat.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The meeting is now closed, we shall keep the zoom open for questions and reflections for approximately 10 minutes.
CHAT POSTS FOR THE MEETING leader
SERENITY PRAYER.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
QUALIFYING
-say your name,
-how you are alienated (parent, grandparent etc).
-how many kids or grandkids or relatives you have.
-what kind of contact you have. (no contact, partial contact, full contact)
-from the feelings list, please pick up to 3 feelings that are alive in you at this moment.
****NVC SHARING guidelines****
- Share your text or email in the chat.
- Please share briefly about the situation. Roughly 40 words, or four sentences. The reason for this is to keep us all focused on our needs and feelings and not get distracted by our stories.
- Name the feelings the writer is experiencing, and what needs are or are not being met. Please take your time exploring the lists for words that jump out at you. It may be several levels of feelings and needs.
- After all their feelings and needs are compiled, it will be time for you to look at your feelings, needs & make a request.
RESPONSE GUIDELINES
- What is the person feeling?
- What are they needing?
- CAN YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THEIR EXPERIENCE WAS REAL AND FELT FOR THEM?
- HOW WOULD YOU RESPOND TO Their feelings and needs?
- What are your feelings and needs?
- DO you have a request?
*****NVC FACILITATOR/REFLECTOR GUIDELINES*****
As the facilitator, write down the feelings and needs you hear shared by the next volunteer, rather than the story.
Compassionately reflect the feelings and needs you heard the speaker say.
Ask “Is there anything else or is there more you would like to say?”
When there is nothing else, ask, “Would you like to make a request?”
EXAMPLE#1
Hey ………..
I noticed after the first coaching moment during the session yesterday, you took over the coaching. I was wondering what I could have done better to have continued learning to coach?
RESPONSE
Hi 3P E O,
I’m hearing that you were frustrated, hurt and possible irritated with the way I handled your coaching opportunity.
Guessing that you would have appreciated constructive feedback and possible a check in about your COACHING experience.
I most definitely did not handle the opportunity in a very skillful or graceful way. It was a great learning moment for me. I apologize.
I appreciate you reaching out for clarification and learning. It is a great recovery muscle to practice & refine.
There is some feedback that I think would be very useful to you in developing and practicing NVC in this or any context. I feel at capacity at this moment and prefer having a call than trying to communicate via email.
Let me know a couple days n times that would work for you.
Thank you again for reaching out.
