January 2021 - Parental Alienation Anonymous PA-A

parentalalienationassociation

Parental alienation ( or any other family system d

Parental alienation ( or any other family system disease) and my alienator want me angry, resentful, anxious, reactive, scared and disregulated emotionally. This keeps me in a place of feeding the disease and the alienator. It’s like adding more dry wood to an already robust fire.

The only way to affect the family system is by getting really healthy emotionally, spiritually and physically. This will create an opportunity for an intervention at a specific point in the family system.

The thing about leverage points in systems in they need to be constant in order to create change. So as long as I continue to work on my recovery and grow as a person I am able to maintain pressure and create change through a leverage point.

To be clear in order to leverage the system it needs to be at the base, not at a particular event. So if someone is getting married that is considered an event. Lower down in the system are emotions, beliefs, ideas and other fundamental beliefs that shape and allow the dysfunctional system to continue operating.

An example would be…..me working on my communication, seeing a therapist, going to 12 step support group meetings to work on my emotional well being. As I start to integrate these resources in my emotional recovery I show up differently whenever I interact with the family system. If I am consistent with the work small ripples start to create change at the base of the system.

Over time the system has a chance to change and evolve. It is a slow process as the system took a long time to create, it might take as long to affect lasting change.

To qualify; I am an alienated father of three daug

To qualify;
I am an alienated father of three daughters 27,24 and 20 years old, I am also an alienated grandfather. (WE QUALIFY AT EACH PA-A.ORG SUPPORT GROUP MEETING BEFORE WE SHARE OUR THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY)

This year the addition of my Parental Alienation Anonymous support group meetings and community has been life changing. I have a community I see SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK ON ZOOM CALLS, I also have folks that I text and exchange calls with on a daily basis. I have support that MY family and freiends could not provide. I do not need to explain my feelings and or behaviors that are associated with PA, what a relief.

The meetings are structured with a leader and secretary. There is a script that they follow in order to keep the meeting safe and orderly. It is a place of recovery, a place we get to tell our stories and also work on our emotionall and spiritual recovery. Every one has 3 minutes to share and 1 minute to wrap up. It is a place of hope and change.

In the context of systems theory in general and family systems in particular, the number one leverage point is the individual. That means you and I are the most important leverage point (intervention point) in our family systems. We have to be the healthiest version of ourselves when we engage with the system. I used to try get everyone to listen to me, to understand all the trauma and drama and help me get my kids back. I was operating from a reactive fragmented place. I exhasberated the situation often and lost opportunites to create sustainable change. I was responsible for so much of the carnage. Today with the help of the 12 steps of PA-A.org I show up from a grounded, integrated space most of the time. Attorneys, therapists, judges and other folks no onger view me as a emotionally reactive threat. I am now able to contribute to the solution. I wish I would have had a community like this in my early days of PA it would have made a world of difference.

To qualify; I am an alienated father of three daug

To qualify;
I am an alienated father of three daughters 27,24 and 20 years old, I am also an alienated grandfather.

I made it through another holiday. It's funny, I think that because the holidays are over, my nervous system will automatically calm down and get back to business as usual. The reality is I have a PA holiday hangover. My nervous system goes into over drive and on survival mode around these significant days. Each year the holidays get a little different. I won't say easier because I do not believe that is the case for me. Different means I grow emotionally and spiritually each year and during the course of growing I learn and develop new tools and coping mechanisms.

One of my teachers uses an analogy of speed limits to demonstrate how we resource ourselves during challenging emotional states. When I first started experiencing parental alienation my life was ripped apart. I literally couldn't go over 10 miles an hour. If I tried to speed up I would shut off emotionally (check out) and be unable to process what was happening in the moment. As time goes by and I work on my spiritual, physical and emotional maturity (recovery) I am able to go a little faster each year. I am able to stay present longer and be available to friends and family in ways I could not in the early days of PA.

I miss my kids and grandchild (I have never met), I long to be around them and share some space and laughter. I also have a rich, meaningful and joyful life. Both of these exist at the same time for me. It is not either or any more it is both and__.

I am the best father I have ever being in this moment. Through the pain and crazy making of PA I am slowly becoming the man I always thought I was. I am present and available and the best version of me if and when I get an opportunity to have a relationship with my kids.

PA has taken up so much space in my life, Emotiona

PA has taken up so much space in my life, Emotionally, physically and spiritually. At times I am sad, angry, lonely, defeated, judgmental and desperate.

In these moments I squander my time and life. This is exactly where the disease wants me. If I stay in this place PA continues to rule all my hemispheres. This is a isolating lonely place.

I used to tell everyone my story, if they wanted to hear it or not. I just wanted someone to help me. To tell me what was happening in my life was crazy. At a point I had to turn the focus to me and my behaviors and coping mechanisms.

I am so grateful to have found the 12 steps of PA-A.org. Everyone in the community understands how I feel and what I am struggling with. I don’t need to explain myself over and over again. I now get support from people that have the same or similar lived experience.

To be clear, support is talking about solutions, looking at my behavior, being an active member in this community and reclaiming my life. In doing this it gives my kids the best chance to have a healthy and present parent.

I do not live in resentment and pity like I used to. I live in joy, hope and abundance. This is directly related to the 12 steps and all the emotional and spiritual work I have done and continue to do.

If it all feels overwhelming and you feels lost and hopeless. Come join our community. It is not about a silver bullet. It’s about consistency, patience and hard work.

Happy holidays all

An old timer at a meeting asked me this many moons

An old timer at a meeting asked me this many moons ago!!

I guessed at each word I though was the most important. Cunning? Baffling? Powerful? All of these words are impactful and relevant but none of them was correct.

The most important word is Remember!!!

I forget all the time how this disease of PA can just take over my life and blow me around like a rag doll. The pain and challenges when facing alienation continuously change, move and grow.

When I am going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, taking service commitments and working the steps I stay in “remembering.” It is up to me to show up for my own life. When showing up for myself and working on my self I have a chance.

A chance to get my kids back
A chance to live a full and meaningful life
A chance to be a great parent, friend, son and partner.

Today I have a chance to live the life I thought I was living!!

No

Parental alienation has infiltrated and affected s

Parental alienation has infiltrated and affected so many aspects of my life. The disease wants to keep me trapped and stuck. If I’m in my story, my fear and resentments I become part of this disease. It needs me feeling this way because this desperation and dysfunction is what helps it get stronger.

This is why pa-a (parental alienation anonymous) has saved my life. It has helped me find myself admits the ravages of this disease.

I thought I needed a support to get my kids back and if a group didn’t offer that it wasn’t for me. What I have learned is as I work through my trauma and feelings I get my life and World back. The 12 steps are a structured & safe way to do this work.

From this place I can be the best parent possible. It is not a silver bullet, it is a lot of hard work. My life today is full of love and hope. I have a pa-a community that supports and loves me.

From this place everything is possibl

As a alienated parent & grandparent I am used to t

As a alienated parent & grandparent I am used to the negative feelings like sadness, longing, isolation, fear & even anger at times.

The holidays intensify all these feelings and as the days turn into months and years I have built up my holiday resiliency and I have added a bunch of resources to support myself.

During the holidays I surround myself with family & friends of choice. It took me time to build this new community and years to reclaim the joy and happiness of the holiday season.

With all that being said I find it hard to stay connected to these “good” feelings without feeling overwhelmed. On regular days I have right sized my negative & positive feelings & emotions. But on the holidays it feels like the good and positive things in my life are too much, that how can I have a full and meaningful life and not have access and connection to my kids and grandson.

I tend to look for coping mechanisms for the good feelings. Over eating, lots of sugar, extra tv anything to escape the good feelings or at least take the edge off. Just when I think I have this PA thing figured out it moves and grows a new ARM/LEG or whatever that thing is that I wasn’t expecting.

So my recovery is. I share my story, I let my close friends know how I’m doing, I go to a lot of paternal alienation support group meetings on zoom, I reach out to other parents for support and I take it minute by minute.

I plan on having a fantastic holidays and I will be a bit sad.

A happy holiday to all!!

The holidays arrive shortly. This time of the year

The holidays arrive shortly. This time of the year can be really challenging for people struggling with PA.

I always have family & friends around that love me on the holidays and I feel really lonely and isolated at times. In my experience if you haven’t experienced PA directly and first hand in your own life you can never fully hear or understand how I feel.

Having support group meetings on these holidays is incredible important to my emotional recovery. The meetings help me build resilience and tools that I can take out into the rest of my life.

My big plan for the holidays is to ……
1-attend a meeting each holiday
2-reach out to other people struggling with PA with a simple text so they know that someone is thinking of them.
3-support myself so I can be present and available for all the loved ones that are around.
4-be happy and center my joy.
5-send love to my children and grandchild that I do not have contact with. For me this is usually at the end of my meditations.

We all need a plan for the holiday. What is your plan.

There is a great free brochure on the website PA-A.org on how to prepare for the holidays.

Hope to see you at a meeting

I understand a lot of what my kids are experiencin

I understand a lot of what my kids are experiencing emotionally and physically. I do not pretend to know exactly how they feel or the intricacies of being an alienated child. Adding the layer of 3 siblings reinforcing the system of alienation in their own ways.

Also the fifth entity in the room ( my ex & 3 kids =4), the actual system of alienation. The system creates velocity and takes on its own shape and form and helps keeps all the players in the PA system stuck and enmeshed.

When I separated from my ex I died several emotional deaths. Not having her PA love left me in anxiety, fear and panic all the time. I see this same struggle in my kids. The pain is so intense when ever they take a step away they feel like they will die. They have to come back to the alienation.

I offered to alienate my whole family if my alienator would just love me again. I needed her to feed on me to feel stable and able to function.

Thankfully I found recovery and a place to heal. It was hell and at the same time so rich to come back to my real self. I know this is the journey all our kids and grandkids will need to go on.

I am anyone of my kids. I know the life they are living because I lived it too. I helped it grow and showed them that it was ok to live that way.

Today I believe I am a beacon to another way of life. I do not know if I will reconnect with my kids, I do know that I fight everyday for them. I share my story, show up and support parents and grandparents struggling with this pathology and am the best me I can be.

I am the change I want in my family system. I also am a work in progress and have so much more to learn.

I share this in hope that we as a community can create as many paths forward for our kids as possible. This is not a me struggle it is a us struggle.

This new Thursday meeting is hosted from Singapore

This new Thursday meeting is hosted from Singapore!!!!! We wanted to offer a more accessible meeting to Europe & Parts if Asia. Please come out and support the meeting.

Today’s reading on the 3rd step was very provocative.

I was taught to figure it out myself, that I was some how omnipotent and knew more than anyone else. This served me well for a very limited time. It allowed me navigate and get through my early years. It was a needed strategy and tool for survival.

As an adult struggling with the ever changing weather of life and the ravages of PA this strategy failed miserable. My life fell apart and I didn’t have the emotional and spiritual tools to cope anymore.

Step 3 was a relief, I got to stop playing God. I got to put down the self whip and surrender. To be clear surrender is not giving up, it’s letting go of being responsible for everything. There is a spaciousness with turning my life over to a higher power that I get to define but not control.

I have space now to take care of myself, to build a sustainable life. To be a better son, brother, father and friend.

If the 12 steps are new and they don’t make sense. Welcome you are exactly at the same entrance I walked through. It’s not a quick fix or silver bullet, it is a place to grow emotionally, spiritually and a place to empower all kinds of change in our lives.

You will need to try several meetings to gain some traction and comfort.

If you are familiar with step 3 please share below on the reading.

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