PARENTAL ALIENATION & ME pt.2
I am an second generation alienated targeted parent on the maternal side. I have three daughters and a grandson.
When my ex and I separated originally I centered my then wife and tried everything to bet her back. I begged, I pleaded and at age 36 I offered to give up my family, if she would just take me back. I was totally enmeshed and reliant on her feeding on me EMOTIONALLY. I THOUGHT IT WAS LOVE! I was part of the alienation cycle and was willing to alienate everyone I loved for her. Leaving my marriage nearly killed me. The anxiety and panic attacks from the alienator no longer feeding off of me was unbearable. I was anyone OF my kids today!!!
I understand a lot of what my kids are experiencing emotionally and physically. I do not pretend to know exactly how they feel or the intricacies of being an alienated child. Adding the layer of 3 siblings reinforcing the system of alienation in their own ways.
Also the fifth entity in the room ( my ex & 3 kids =4), the actual system of alienation. The system creates velocity and takes on its own shape and form and helps keeps all the players in the PA system stuck and enmeshed.
When I separated from my ex I died several emotional deaths. Not having her PA love left me in anxiety, fear and panic all the time. I see this same struggle in my kids. The pain is so intense when ever they take a step away they feel like they will die. They have to come back to the alienation.
I offered to alienate my whole family if my alienator would just love me again. I needed her to feed on me to feel stable and able to function.
Thankfully I found recovery and a place to heal. It was hell and at the same time so rich to come back to my real self. I know this is the journey all our kids and grandkids will need to go on.
I am anyone of my kids. I know the life they are living because I lived it too. I helped it grow and showed them that it was ok to live that way.
Today I believe I am a beacon to another way of life. I do not know if I will reconnect with my kids, I do know that I fight everyday for them. I share my story, show up and support parents and grandparents struggling with this pathology and am the best me I can be.
I am the change I want in my family system. I also am a work in progress and have so much more to learn.
I share this in hope that we as a community can create as many paths forward for our kids as possible. This is not a me struggle it is a us struggle.
PARENTAL ALIENATION & ME pt.2
