Parental Alienation: Finding Strength in Letting Go

Dealing with parental alienation can feel overwhelming and heartbreaking. The challenge is not just about managing the pain but also about finding a way to heal and move forward. One of the most important steps in this journey is learning to muster the courage to change what you can and then let go of what you can’t control. This balance can be incredibly difficult, but it’s essential for finding peace and moving towards recovery.

Mustering the Courage to Take Control

For many alienated parents, the journey begins with recognizing the need to regain control over their own lives. Before taking action, you must understand that control doesn’t mean dictating the outcome of every situation. Instead, it involves taking responsibility for your actions and responses.

In the beginning, you might feel overwhelmed and powerless, struggling to cope with the constant uncertainty and emotional turmoil of your situation. You might have tried various ways to change your circumstances but found yourself stuck in a cycle of frustration and despair.

However, when you finally mustered the courage, you already know how important it is to focus on what you can only control. You start to engage in activities that may help you heal and regain your sense of self. This could mean setting personal boundaries, seeking therapy, or participating in support groups. The shift is from trying to control the uncontrollable—such as the other parent’s behavior or the child’s feelings—to controlling your own actions and responses.

As one anonymous alienated mother shared in our Parental Alienation Advocates (PA-A) program, “In order to muster up the courage, I first need insight into what is mine to control, and what is not. In the program, I get to do that—with my sponsor as I work the 12 steps, in meetings where I share my journey, and do service work, and in all of the amazing conversations that I have with my fellow travelers.”

Recognizing What You Can and Cannot Control

A significant part of coping with parental alienation is distinguishing between what you can influence and what you cannot. This understanding is crucial for focusing your efforts where they are most effective and finding peace in the aspects that remain outside your control.

What You Can Control:

• Self-Care: Taking care of your mental and emotional health is crucial. Engaging in therapy, practicing mindfulness, and finding hobbies that bring joy can help you stay grounded.
• Communication: When possible, maintain clear and respectful communication with your child. Even if it’s limited, positive and supportive interactions can make a difference.
• Personal Growth: Invest in personal development. Join support groups, read relevant literature, and engage in activities that help you grow as a person.

What You Cannot Control:

• The Other Parent’s Behavior: Despite your best efforts, you cannot control how the other parent acts or influences your child. Their actions are beyond your control, and focusing on them can lead to frustration.
• The Child’s Perception: Children’s views are shaped by various factors, including external influences. You cannot force them to change their perspective, but you can provide a stable and loving environment when you have the opportunity.

The anonymous mother’s experience highlights this struggle: “The control piece is not easy for me. Part of my survival to this point involved me imposing a huge amount of control over many aspects of my life. I can see now that I lived that way in order to try and create a feeling of safety amongst chaos and uncertainty.”

Letting Go and Finding Peace

Letting go of the need to control every aspect of your situation is a profound step towards peace. This doesn’t mean giving up on your child or resigning yourself to a life of sadness. Instead, it’s about finding peace within yourself, regardless of external circumstances.

By accepting what you cannot control, you liberate yourself from the constant battle with situations beyond your reach. This shift in mindset allows you to focus on creating a positive environment for yourself and your child, even if you are not able to be as present as you would like.

As the mother states, “When I do this, I am being courageous and present. I am actively practicing letting go of the results. I am taking charge of my life, rather than letting others dictate the quality of my day.”

Tips to Make Letting Go of Absolute Control Easier for Parents Dealing with Parental Alienation

1. Create a Daily Routine: Develop a daily schedule that includes regular times for work, relaxation, and enjoyable activities. For example, you might start each day with a morning routine that includes exercise and meditation, followed by designated periods for work and hobbies. This routine can create a sense of order and help you feel more in control of your daily life, even amidst family uncertainty.
2. Limit Exposure to Stressors: Identify and limit exposure to sources of stress related to your situation. For instance, if reading about parental alienation online or engaging in negative social media discussions increases your anxiety, consider setting specific times to check these sources or avoid them altogether. Reducing your exposure to these stressors can help manage your stress levels and improve your overall well-being.
3. Practice Gratitude: Focus on the positive aspects of your life to shift your attention away from the pain of alienation. Keep a gratitude journal where you note things you’re thankful for each day, such as supportive friends, moments of personal growth, or small victories in your journey. Reflecting on these positives can help you maintain a hopeful outlook and remind you of what’s going well despite the challenges.
4. Volunteer or Help Others: Offering your time and support to others can provide a sense of purpose and help you feel connected. Consider volunteering at a local organization or helping someone in need. For instance, you could volunteer at a community center or mentor a young person. Helping others can not only be fulfilling but also shift your focus away from your own struggles and towards positive actions.
5. Establish Boundaries with Negativity: Set clear boundaries with individuals or situations that exacerbate your stress related to parental alienation. For example, if certain conversations with family or friends become toxic, set limits on those discussions or gently steer the conversation towards more positive topics. Establishing boundaries can help protect your mental health and reduce unnecessary stress.
6. Seek Professional Guidance: Working with a therapist or counselor can provide essential support and strategies for managing your emotions and letting go of what you can’t control. For instance, a mental health professional can help you navigate feelings of frustration and develop healthy coping mechanisms specific to the challenges of parental alienation.
7. Seek Support: Join support groups or programs for parents dealing with parental alienation. Sharing your experiences with others who understand your situation can offer comfort and practical advice. 
8. Practice Forgiveness: Letting go of past grievances and working towards forgiveness can help ease your emotional burden. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior but focusing on releasing the hold that resentment has on you. For example, work on forgiving yourself for any perceived shortcomings and extend forgiveness to others who may have played a role in your alienation. This practice can help you focus on healing and moving forward.

By implementing these strategies, you can find ways to regain a sense of control, manage stress, and focus on your own well-being. Each step towards letting go of absolute control and finding peace is a significant part of the healing process.