THE TWELVE STEPS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION ANONYMOUS (PA-A.org)

THE TWELVE STEPS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION ANONYMOUS (PA-A.org)

THE 12 STEPS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION ANONYMOUS (PA-A.org)

1. We admitted we were powerless over PEOPLE (Our alienator, our children and any other relationships)—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (interchangeable with the Universe, your higher power or anything else that gives you comfort) as we understood Them.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God (interchangeable with the Universe, your higher power or anything else that gives you comfort), to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God (interchangeable with the Universe, your higher power or anything else that gives you comfort) remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Them to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God (interchangeable with the Universe, your higher power or anything else that gives you comfort) as we understood Them, praying only for knowledge of Their will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other folks suffering from this disease, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 PA-A’s 12 Steps and 12 Traditions are reprinted and adapted from the first 164 pages of the “Big Book,” Alcoholics Anonymous, with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt this material does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved this or any other PA-A material. AA is a program for recovery from alcoholism only. Use of AA material in the program of PA-A, which is patterned after that of AA but which addresses other issues, does not constitute endorsement by, or affiliation with, AA. 

2 “God” in PA-A literature can mean the Deity, a deity, a spiritual entity of one’s own understanding (a Higher Power), or a non-spiritual conception (a higher purpose). Reliance on any one of these conceptions confers a perspective that transcends our immediate physical, social, and emotional circumstances and allows us to “keep calm and carry on” with what really matters. 

3 The term “spiritual awakening” can refer to an event – a vital spiritual experience – or to a gradual change. Those of us who are atheists also experience a transformation, enabling us to place service before selfishness. 

Many of us first reacted to this list like those who first encounter AA’s Twelve Steps: “What an order! I can’t go through with it!” And, in the same way that AA members comfort newcomers, we in PA-A are happy to reassure, “Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.” The point is that we are willing to grow along the lines we have set down. We aim for balance, understanding that “our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God/Higher power (etc) and the people about us.” We claim progress, never perfection. 

Our description of Parental Alienation, coupled with our personal adventures before and after finding recovery, make clear three pertinent ideas: 

• That we had serious problems—relationships—that we could not solve despite our best efforts. 

• That no accessible human power had relieved our relationship problems. 

• That reliance on God, a Higher Power, or a higher purpose could—and would—restore us to sanity and set us free. 

26 Comments

  1. Paula

    My name is Paula and I am a parental alienator,I need some support I’m going thru a battle with cps to get to see my son idk if this is the right group but I need some people that might have experience with this

    • Hi Paual,

      I am presuming you are an alienated parent, welcome to our community. There is some great support here through our 6 day a week zoom meetings. I added you to the email list and you will get meeting times and information there. There is all some great information on the website, read under resources and check out the pdf’s.

      hope to see you at a meeting

  2. Dan

    Feel free to talk to me I am going through something similar

    • Thanks Daniel,
      Hope to see you at a meeting, there will be a bunch of people to connect with.

      you should have all the information in your inbox

      • Gail Tanis

        I have been erased from my son, daughter-in-law snd 3 grandchildren over 4 years. I am trying to understand what happened. There are days that I can barely function. I need to understand and need resources to help me through this. Thank you. I desperately want to reconnect with my fsmily but want to be the best version of myself before doing so. I do not want t repeat my family dis function.

        • I suggest trying some support group meetings.

          Once you fill in the contact page on this website you will receive an automated email with all the meeting information. If it isn’t in your main mailbox please check spam, social and promotions.

          If you still can’t find it please email parentalalienationanonymous@gmail.com & we will help you get on the meetings.

          Hope to see you in the zoom meetings.

  3. Lisa Fearnley-Brown

    I am interested in a little more information on your program. Looking forward to connecting with others going the same highs and lows…wish this was around 8 years ago…Lisa FB

  4. Jason

    Please add me to the weekly schedule of PAA meetings. Thank you.

  5. Carol K

    Please add me to the meeting schedule access. I have been in OA 38 years, Al-Anon, and S-Anon (5 years). I am 73, and estranged from all of my 3 adult children. I meet people in program occasionally who are estranged, but feel pretty isolated most of the time, feeling bad when my peers go on about the wonderful support they get from their children.

      • Tom Berlage

        I have been estranged from my two adult daughters for 12 years. They live with my ex-wife and her new husband on an organic farm that they operate together. While I have continually sent birthday cards and holiday cards they have never replied. I have had several brief telephone conversations with my eldest my youngest has refused to talk with me.

  6. Angela

    Hello everyone, I have been estranged from my only child, my son, for nearly 23 years. I was a very young girl when I first married and had my son. As a lot of marriages do these days, we divorced within a year of getting married. So at the tender age of 16 I was a single divorced mom. My ex eventually remarried to a woman 10 years older than I and they set out to steal my son. From kidnapping , to false child abuse claims, to falsly claiming not to know where I was and that I had had no contact with them. The new wife also had several family members in the local police force and in Judges seats in our town. Long story short I was erased from my sons life when he was 7 years old. I had started to loose hope untill I decided to research. I had NO idea that this was such a horiable trend in the whole world. I feel for each and every one of the parents, grandparents,children,aunts, uncles and more. I truly believe this has to stop somehow and that God will find a way. But until now I had never thought about how I should be living my life durring this process. I have been surviving yes, but thriving no. I have been living my life as if someone had died, at times like my son did, and others like I was the one dead. I am starting to see that my life is not over, and I still have a right to be happy and loved and whole. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I want to be free of the desperation and the guilt and the shame I have felt for over 20 years now. I want to live a happy life again, full of wonder and laughter and hope. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I will never give up, but I am no longer willing to bow down.

    • You should have received an automated email with all the meeting information. hope to see you in the meetings

  7. Ginny Till

    I am experiencing intermittent estrangement. I have been involved in Al-Anon for many years. Looking for positive support as I have enjoyed reading the author,Sheri Mc Gregor concerning parental estrangement.

    • Once you fill in the contact page on this website you will receive an automated email with all the meeting information. If it isn’t in your main mailbox please check spam, social and promotions. If you still can’t find it please email parentalalienationanonymous@gmail.com.
      Hope to see you in the zoom meetings.

  8. Judith

    I decided my 3 kids were old enough to maintain a relationship with their other parent; and to please respect my need for privacy from him. My shriven self contaminated my ability to communicate with the world and my kids in it. My daughter summarizes: absent; I’m sure I have more faults. My sons stuck together in their effort to be brave against their challenges and not very kind towards sister or me. While not wanting to be a burden, I’m past my usefulness. All go out of their way to be mean spirited. They resent my choices and have decided to shun me and ignore me. Like looking at an ash heap. Good job Mom.
    shun me.

    • That sounds incredible hard and challanging.

      I suggest trying some of the support group meetings.

      Once you fill in the contact page on this website you will receive an automated email with all the meeting information. If it isn’t in your main mailbox please check spam, social and promotions.

      If you still can’t find it please email parentalalienationanonymous@gmail.com & we will help you get on the meetings.

      Hope to see you in the zoom meetings.

  9. I have been estranged from my only daughter, granddaughter, my great grandson, who is 26 years old and has autism, and my great granddaughter. Although my great grandson did not live with me, only on weekends, I was the one that attended all of the school meetings, doctor & dental appointments, etc. for 20 years. He was always the love of my life.
    I had hip replacement surgery that left me crippled going on 4-1/2 years, and during the first 6 months, unable to care for myself. That is when my daughter walked out of my life, taking her grandson, my great grandson out of my life.
    I am devastated.

  10. Josh

    Hi, I’d like to join a meeting. Thanks.

    • I suggest attending meetings. You will get to meet other people struggling with similar circumstances and to to gain access to a bunch of different resources. All meetings are on zoom and accessible from anywhere.

      You can register on the website to the pop-up and get added to the weekly email lists or you can send an email to Parentalalienationanonymous@Gmail.com with any other questions.

      I hope to see you at a meeting. Have a beautiful day.

  11. I am a Registered Family Therapist and Registered Clinical Counsellor working with PA / Estrangement individuals and families. I am quite familiar with AA and the 12 steps and have seen how people can recover and find their way. Upon reviewing the 12 steps of PA recovery they really resonated for me as a powerful way to address such a painful reality for many people. I am available to work with individuals and families as a professional in tandem with PA anonymous. My fees are reasonable. Please feel free to pass my name to anyone in need of assistance. I could also be a guest speaker at meetings if called upon. Thank you for your time and for creating this program.

    • I suggest attending meetings. You will get to meet other people struggling with similar circumstances and to to gain access to a bunch of different resources. All meetings are on zoom and accessible from anywhere.

      You can register on the website to the pop-up and get added to the weekly email lists or you can send an email to Parentalalienationanonymous@Gmail.com with any other questions.

      I hope to see you at a meeting. Have a beautiful day.

  12. Paul Trebendis

    I am an alienated father.

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