As an alienated parent, the pain of being excluded from your child’s life is already overwhelming, but the suffering intensifies when you can’t find the words to express how you’re feeling.
When you’re going through parental alienation, talking about your emotions might feel impossible. The pain and confusion can take over, and just making it through the day becomes the focus. In addition, being unheard or misunderstood can make you shut down, leaving you without the strength to even try to explain what you’re feeling inside.
But eventually, the silence starts to hurt even more. That’s when learning how to communicate in a healthy way can make all the difference. For a lot of people, it’s a skill they may not have had before the alienation, but in the healing process, the drive to learn becomes stronger. And once you do, you can start to express yourself in a way that not only brings relief but also opens the door to real healing and understanding.
Discovering the Power of Communication
One anonymous mother shared her recovery journey through the Parental Alienation Anonymous (PA-A) program. Her testimony reflects how transformative learning to communicate can be:
“When I started out as a newcomer nearly two years ago, communication was truly the last thing on my mind—let alone me trying to examine more effective ways to do it. I didn’t want to speak. In many ways, my voice literally felt ‘dried up,’ after fruitlessly having spent years trying to have my voice ‘heard’ as I fumbled my way through abuse and alienation.”
The feeling of having one’s voice “dried up” is not uncommon in cases of parental alienation. Many parents spend years attempting to fight for their relationship with their child, only to be met with rejection and emotional estrangement. This creates a sense of futility and emotional exhaustion, making it difficult to engage in meaningful conversations, whether with the alienating parent, the child, or even themselves.
But for this mother, joining PA-A marked the beginning of a new chapter. She discovered that by opening up and learning to communicate in a healthy way, she could begin to heal.
“It has taken time and patience, but I have learned to open up and talk again. Maybe I should rephrase that—I have learned to ‘speak’ for the first time in my life. From a place of authenticity, of being true to myself, rather than mirroring what everyone else in my life wanted to hear.”
Rebuilding Through 12-Steps PA-A Program
The journey to effective communication often begins with introspection and self-awareness. The PA-A program uses a 12-step process to help alienated parents reflect on their behaviors, emotions, and patterns. It encourages them to take responsibility for their actions while also recognizing the harm caused by the alienation.
As this mother reflects, step work played a crucial role in helping her reconnect with herself:
“Step work has taught me how to connect with, and communicate with, myself. I didn’t even recognize this as an issue before I started in the program.”
Before healing can happen with others, it must first happen within. Many alienated parents are so focused on the external conflict—battling for their child’s affection or dealing with the alienating parent’s manipulations—that they forget to nurture their own emotional needs. By working through the 12 steps, alienated parents can better understand their own emotions and how those emotions impact their ability to communicate.
The Link Between Emotional Regulation and Communication
One of the most important lessons this mother learned in her journey is that emotional regulation is key to effective communication. Parental alienation triggers intense feelings of anger, frustration, grief, and sadness. Without emotional regulation, these feelings can manifest in unhealthy ways—whether through outbursts, withdrawal, or passive-aggressive behavior.
However, as this mother found, working on emotional regulation helps strengthen communication skills:
“Using the coping skills and tools I have learned so far has not only improved my communication skills, the process has allowed me to work on my emotional regulation. When my emotional state is more evenly regulated, my communication skills are stronger. This applies to all aspects of my life, all of the everyday conversations I have.”
The ability to pause, reflect, and regulate emotions allows alienated parents to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively. This shift in communication can lead to healthier relationships and better outcomes in their interactions with their children, co-parents, and even in legal matters.
Tips for Improving Communication While Coping with Parental Alienation
1. Start with Self-Reflection: The first step in improving communication is understanding your own emotions. Take time to reflect on your feelings without judgment. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist can help you process these emotions in a healthy way.
2. Practice Active Listening: Listening is just as important as speaking. Try to listen to others with the intent to understand, rather than to respond. This can create a space for more open, empathetic conversations, even with those who may be causing you pain.
3. Set Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is essential when dealing with alienation. This might mean setting limits on how you engage with the alienating parent or defining the kind of interactions you have with your child. Healthy boundaries help protect your emotional well-being and prevent escalation.
4. Use “I” Statements: When communicating, especially in conflict situations, focus on expressing your feelings using “I” statements. This helps prevent the other person from feeling attacked and allows for a more productive conversation. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when I’m trying to express my feelings.”
5. Stay Present: It’s easy to let past hurts or fears about the future dominate conversations. However, staying present in the moment can help reduce anxiety and foster clearer communication. Focus on the issue at hand rather than dredging up past conflicts or projecting future fears.
6. Practice Emotional Regulation: As the anonymous mother shared, emotional regulation is key to communication. Engage in mindfulness practices, deep breathing, or meditation to calm yourself before important conversations. This will allow you to respond more thoughtfully rather than react out of anger or frustration.
The Role of Community in Communication
Healing from parental alienation is not something that can be done in isolation. Being part of a supportive community—whether through a program like PA-A or other support networks—can provide invaluable insights and encouragement. The anonymous mother’s experience in PA-A highlights how being part of a community can help foster growth and healing:
“I find myself now speaking from a place of wanting to give a thoughtful response, rather than a knee-jerk and defensive reaction. That’s huge progress for me, and I have the step work and the awesome connectivity within the PA-A community to thank for it.”
In these communities, alienated parents can share their struggles, learn from others’ experiences, and gain the tools necessary to improve their communication skills. The collective wisdom of those who have faced similar challenges provides a foundation for growth, helping alienated parents learn how to express themselves in ways that promote healing rather than perpetuate conflict.
