PAA & NVC needs and feelings weekly practice group level 1
Welcome to the PAA (parental alienation anonymous) and the NVC (non-violent communication), needs, feelings & requests practice group.
Secretary qualifies (PAA)
My name is ……… , I am an alienated ………, and I have ..….kids and ……grandkids. I have …….contact with each child. and I am the lead facilitator for this meeting. …….. will be facilitating as well. Please have 2nd facilitator qualify.
We start every meeting with the serenity prayer. Please replace God with higher power or anything else that resonates with you, if wanted. Unmute and chant along if that feels appropriate.
I am posting the serenity prayer and several other prompts in the chat. I will explain the prompts as they become relevant.Secretary, please post this in the chat.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
PAA (Parental alienation anonymous) is a 12-step program, for people struggling with parental alienation and estrangement. This 12-step program differs from others in that it has seven foundational trainings & practices to support emotional and spiritual growth and development. This is a practice group run by peers and not therapy. Please sign up for meetings (please post link to…meeting schedule) & foundational trainings & practices at pa-a.org, if you haven’t done so yet. NVC is the 1st foundational practice.
NVC is an intricate part of working the 1st three steps of PAA in particular and all the steps in general.
NVC (nonviolent communication) is an empathy-based form of communication. If practiced consistently it can be transformational in every relationship in our lives, starting with our relationship to ourselves. We are not conditioned to be good listeners. Generally, we are more interested in what we have to say, fixing or saving someone else and in protecting our ideas and constructs. This inhibits us from really hearing ourselves and others. NVC gives us a framework to transform how we communicate and engage with every person in our lives.
There are 4 basic stages to working with and understanding NVC. Observations, feelings, needs & requests. The 5th stage is the integration of the 12 steps and NVC.
secretaryPLEASE POST THIS IN THE CHAT
1-Observations
Instead of getting lost in our own or someone else’s story or narrative NVC helps us listen to and identify what feelings and needs are alive in the present moment.
2-Feelings
We use discernment, reflection and curiosity to try and uncover our own feelings or the feelings of another.
3-Needs
Under every feeling is a need we are trying to meet. Everything we & others do is an attempt to get our needs met. For example, I can be feeling anxious because I have a need for safety.
4-Requests
Once I identify my needs or other’s needs it is important to discern if any action is needed. In the example above I figured out I was anxious because I had a need for safety. My request might be “Can we please leave this restaurant”.
PICK A VOLUNTEER TO SHARE FOR 20-30 SECONDS on WHAT THEIR EXPERIENCE HAS BEEN LIKE SO FAR WITH NVC.
We will go around the group and qualify. Qualifying is useful in getting to know each other. In order to qualify please follow these guidelines. ****secretary please paste qualifying guidelines in the chat****
- -say your name,
- -how you are alienated (parent, grandparent etc).
- -how many kids or grandkids or relatives you have.
- -what kind of contact you have. (no contact, partial contact, full contact)
- -from the feelings list, please pick up to 3 feelings that are alive in you at this moment.
I WILL qualify, As an example.-(leader qualifies)
We will now go around the group so each of us gets an opportunity to qualify. Please limit your qualifying to the guidelines posted in the chat, there will be plenty of time for sharing later.
We will now begin the NVC part of this meeting.
Take a moment to think and feel what is alive in you right now? What story are you telling yourself? How are you feeling about showing up today? Is there a particular incident that you would like to work through?
Please look at the feelings List. Pick some feelings that relate to how you are feeling right now. Once you identify some feelings please look at the needs sheet. What needs are/aren’t being met.
The last part of the process is making a request for a need to be met if appropriate. A request can be of the universe, your higher power, yourself, someone in the group etc. You can make more than one request. You can make your request as outlandish as you like. This is a great place to play with pushing the limitations of your thoughts and needs.
It’s useful to know that all feelings and needs are universal.
(ONLY READ THIS IS IF THERE IS A DIFFERENT PERSON FACILITATING)I will now turn the meeting over to our facilitator.
POST USEFUL NVC LINKS ON PA-A.ORG WEBSITE
I will now do a demonstration so you can have a better understanding of how this process works. I will help guide you through working with your needs, feelings and ultimately a request.
(a demonstration can also be done by a regular member)
These are the suggestions for sharing.
****secretary please paste qualifying guidelines in the chat****
- Please share briefly about the situation. Roughly 40 words, or four sentences. The reason for this is to keep us all focused on our needs and feelings and not get distracted by our stories.
- Name the feelings you are experiencing, and what needs are or are not being met. Please take your time exploring the lists for words that jump out at you. It may be several levels of feelings and needs.
- After all your feelings and needs are expressed, it will be time for you to make a request. A request may be of a higher power, the universe, yourself, or for whatever it is that will make your life more wonderful. Positive requests are actionable, whereas, you can’t do a don’t.
We will now begin our group practice. Who has something they would like to share about? (if more than 7 people, divide the group in to two, with a selected facilitator in each group)
At any time you can ask a member if they would like to practice facilitation
Four steps for practicing facilitation. (secretary please post this in the chat when appropriate)
1-As the facilitator, write down the feelings and needs you hear shared by the next volunteer, rather than the story. ………….(You can take some guesses as to some of the feelings/needs they might have or ask the group to take some guesses.) Makes sure to let them contribute mostly to the conversation.
2-Compassionately reflect the feelings and needs you heard the speaker say.
3-Ask “Is there anything else or is there more you would like to say?”
4-When there is nothing else, ask, “Would you like to make a request?”
TURN IT BACK OVER TO THE SECRETARY TO END THE MEETING
That is all the time we have for the NVC meeting please stay after for some fellowship and clarification questions.
For our closing……
Please describe in three words how you are feeling in this moment. I will go first.
We will now have a moment of silence for any people out there who are suffering with any form of parental alienation.
We end every meeting with the serenity prayer. Please replace God with higher power or anything else that resonates with you, if you want. Unmute and chant along if that feels appropriate.
Leader, please post this in the chat.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The meeting is now closed, we shall keep the zoom open for questions and reflections for approximately 10 minutes.
CHAT POSTS FOR THE MEETING
SERENITY PRAYER.
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
4 STEP NVC FRAMEWORK
1-Observations
Instead of getting lost in our own or someone else’s story or narrative NVC helps us listen to and identify what feelings and needs are alive in the present moment.
2-Feelings
We use discernment, reflection and curiosity to try and uncover our own feelings or the feelings of another.
3-Needs
Under every feeling is a need we are trying to meet. Everything we & others do is an attempt to get our needs met. For example, I can be feeling anxious because I have a need for safety.
4-Requests
Once I identify my needs or other’s needs it is important to discern if any action is needed. In the example above I figured out I was anxious because I had a need for safety. My request might be “Can we please leave this restaurant”.
QUALIFYING
-say your name,
-how you are alienated (parent, grandparent etc).
-how many kids or grandkids or relatives you have.
-what kind of contact you have. (no contact, partial contact, full contact)
-from the feelings list, please pick up to 3 feelings that are alive in you at this moment.
****NVC SHARING guidelines****
- Please share briefly about the situation. Roughly 40 words, or four sentences. The reason for this is to keep us all focused on our needs and feelings and not get distracted by our stories.
- Name the feelings you are experiencing, and what needs are or are not being met. Please take your time exploring the lists for words that jump out at you. It may be several levels of feelings and needs.
- After all your feelings and needs are expressed, it will be time for you to make a request. A request may be of a higher power, the universe, yourself, or for whatever it is that will make your life more wonderful. Positive requests are actionable, whereas, you can’t do a don’t.
*****NVC FACILITATOR/REFLECTOR GUIDELINES*****
1-As the facilitator, write down the feelings and needs you hear shared by the next volunteer, rather than the story. ………….(You can take some guesses as to some of the feelings/needs they might have or ask the group to take some guesses.) Makes sure to let them contribute mostly to the conversation.
2-Compassionately reflect the feelings and needs you heard the speaker say.
3-Ask “Is there anything else or is there more you would like to say?”
4-When there is nothing else, ask, “Would you like to make a request?”
PRACTICES QUESTIONS TO WORK WITH IN SMALL AND LARGE GROUPS
1-why are you always so mean to me?
2-You never respect anything I say.
3-I heard you said I was irresponsible and mean to Jenny.
4-dad/mom you are always telling me what to do & you never listen to me.
5-I love you but I need to take some time apart.
6-you never do what you say you are going to do.
NVC links
NVC resources and videos https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/what-is-nvc-nvc-resources/
NVC connection requests https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/nvc-connection-requests/
Naturalizing NVC language https://parentalalienationanonymous.com/naturalizing-nvc-language/
NVC needs and feeling list click here for link
Detachment click here for link
NVC faux feelings list click here for link
